The 5 Wise Virgins Are My New Best Friends

The other day on Facebook, a young Mormon mother asked a question. She has multiple special needs children. She volunteers in two callings of the church. She's striving to do her best for her family, and her community, like any good Mormon wife and mother. She wanted to volunteer for even more. Her husband wanted her to slow down. She asked for opinions. 

My answer was that the scriptures command us not to run faster than we have strength. If she’s caring for her own needs, maybe she can fit in just one more thing. If not, maybe it’s time to slow down. 

But slowing down is very, very hard for Mormon women. So is taking the time to care for our own needs. We are encouraged to give, serve, support, and 'lose ourselves' in the work. But 'losing yourself' can be toxic. I don’t believe losing our identity could be what the Lord expects of his daughters. Nor could giving up our hopes, dreams, and aspirations. But that's often how we interpret the phrase. Which makes me wonder, why give a woman a 'self' at all if she's intended to neglect herself all her life? I don't think 'losing yourself' really means, what we think it means. 

After her question, I kept thinking. I remembered the parable of the 10 virgins. It occurred to me, the 10 virgins is one of the only scriptural examples we have of women, acting for themselves. In nearly every scriptural account of women, women act for the benefit of children, husband, and community. The 10 virgins is the only story I can think of where women act exclusively for their own benefit. They weren’t there for children, husbands, or charity. They were there because they were invited to feast with the Lord.

All ten women started that night with oil in their lamps. Five, were hoping to get by on what they had. Maybe they hadn’t planned ahead. Maybe they had given their extra oil to someone else. Maybe they’d been too busy. We don’t know. Any of those explanations is plausible. What we do know, is that they didn’t bring reserves.

The other five women saw that their upcoming physical needs were met. When their vessels ran low, they used the extra to fill their lamps, and keep their light burning. They had taken time, and made the effort to care for their own physical needs. They didn’t give away their oil to let someone else attend the feast. And they have NEVER been portrayed as selfish because they said no. They are portrayed as wise.

We see the 10 virgins as a parable about spiritual or emergency preparedness. But what if it’s quite literally about our own physical, and mental welfare as well? What if it’s permission to say no? Women have needs that go overlooked in the care of home and family. But what if a woman’s value to the Lord isn’t dependent on how clean her baseboards are? Or how early her children learned to read? Or even how much service she gives to ‘earn’ her Father’s love?

What if a woman’s value to the Lord is entirely dependent on the fact that she has been invited to the feast?

A woman matters because she is ‘someone’. Not someone’s mother, or sister, or wife. She matters because she exists, and we should not be expected to lose our identities in service. I think the parable of the 10 virgins has been hiding in plain sight, trying to teach us that very principle.

When the prophets say we should ‘lose’ ourselves in the work, I think we misunderstand. I don’t think we are supposed to give more than we have. I think what the prophets mean is that we should ‘get caught up’ in the work. We can love the service we give, and still find time to care for ourselves as well. We are allowed to be a priority in our own lives. Our needs matter as much as anyone else’s.

We should take a lesson from the 5 wise virgins. Sometimes, it’s not selfish to say no. It’s wise. It’s prudent. It’s ok to put your own needs first, when putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own would be personally detrimental.

I’m not saying don’t serve. But I do believe women have the right to put themselves at the top of their own ‘people I need to care for’ list. Once you do that, service becomes easier. The burden becomes lighter. You can choose to serve because you want to. Because you have something to give. Not because you have to, if you’re going to continue to be ‘nice’.  

Women were given agency, the same as men. We have the right to use it. We have the right to want things. We have the right to care for ourselves physically, and mentally, as well as spiritually. 

Finding that balance between self-care and service sounds like maturity to me.